In the wake of the December floods, Prime Minister David Cameron has unveiled a new map of the UK.
“Rather than try to fight future flooding or repair damage, we thought it best to just embrace it and welcome them as a feature. Perhaps now we can have an even Greater Britain in 2016” the Prime Minster and Peppa Pig enthusiast told the press this afternoon.
The map has some striking new features. Most noticeably is the creation of a new stretch of sea crossing what was formally the North of England up to the Scottish border. This new body of water will be known as The Straits of Pish.
The news has been welcomed by the SNP and its MPs, as they claim it will strengthen the cause for an independent Scotland.
SNP representative Jock McDougal told BFNN: “These floods are brilliant for us, we aren’t even connected to England anymore. It’s what we’ve always wanted. It’s a wee Christmas Miracle.”
So abundant is the rejoicing in Scotland that a new town on the southern coast will known as “Salmond-upon-sea”.
There is bad news for first time buyers in Manchester, with house prices set to skyrocket. Many homes in the city center are already being listed as “coastal property” and high-rise flats described as having “Sea views”.
When asked what will happen to the residents of the former cities of Preston, Hull, York and Newcastle, Mr Cameron responded saying, “Never heard of them, no trick questions please.”
By Chris Cole
Illustrated by Joe Palmer